An Arrow in Me, Pointing East
Journal entries
(At Stoddard Wells) Gumption assessment:
Well. I don’t have adequate rain gear yet, or a wool hat for the cold. But not to worry for a little while, I’m burned out on urgency. The fact is—I can’t not go, if there is a way to go. Too many commitments, arrangements have been made. So—slow and steady…There is an arrow in me pointing east. That’s all. That’s the main thing.
(Thurs, 3-13 SW) Today was supposed to be a “Unity” day, consolidation of “neighborhoods” etc. Participated in the last half or so of a campwide circle today, during which my heart opened. I was sitting in my tent, writing, and I thought, listening to the singing of the circle, “My heart always closes around that sort of stuff.” But that was just a concept, not necessarily a fact, as I found out writing a little more and then joining the circle. I especially enjoyed all the hugs at the end.
(3-24, Barstow) …wound up walking and talking a long time with Barb, Brenda, Will. It was sweet and I was obviously calmer than I knew. At one point, as we were walking up the road together hand in hand, someone drove by in a truck yelling “Ya ****! Ya ****! And I was surprised that it didn’t even phase me, that, as Barbara put it, “It didn’t interrupt my energy in the slightest.”
Thurs, 4-3. A rest day. Caught up on some sleep. In the morning I helped serving breakfast and then I cleaned the cabinet and stove in the kitchen. In the afternoon I caught up still more on sleep. All it takes is one day and I feel like I’m in Barstow again.
[Utah, no date:]
The woman who runs, and I suppose owns, the laundromat in Beaver Utah is very nice and friendly. She leaves out a huge box of Ajax for us all to use for free. She’s 35-ish, good-spirited, good-looking. Though she is ready to say hi, be friendly, talk, I’m shy about her because she’s predisposed to liking us already and therefore I can’t make things any better with her but could possibly make them worse. I could somehow make a bad impression or offend her. I’m very uneasy with folks from “the outside world,” especially the ones that like us. We depend on them for so much, and since we are “already marching” and they are probably “inactive” as yet, it may be that they are the critical ones, that the fate of the world rests on what they do (or don’t do)--based on how we appear to them. When I think this way, the responsibility to be likable feels awesome, and I’d rather avoid it.
A thought upon waking today: I will have to face physical hardships, severe weather conditions, etc. at some time or another. If not now, then later. So it might as well be now, with a group of people like this.
I miss chocolate.
Answer to a Friend
In answer to a friend who asked “What Magic?”
This is what keeps me going.
I sit at the info-desk dreaming of ice cream—
A few minutes later a woman brings me an ice-cream sandwich.
I pick a spot in the desert for my tent—
The perfect rock for hammering stakes appears at hand.
I am feeling lonesome and horny—
A beautiful and passionate woman comes to visit me in my tent.
I am losing the track of my purpose—
I receive a letter reminding me to “Trust my Intent.”
I am in need of money for batteries—
A friend repays a $5 loan.
I am grouchy at the end of a long hot march.
The sunset brings tears of joy with her beauty.
I seek a way to build an enclosure for our altar candle—
I find the perfect pieces in the junkyard.
I hope for a sign of Peace—
A small bird lands on my tent at sunrise and
Sings his morning praise.
I ask one person to help get candles for our altar—
Twenty people contribute $51.18
I wish to voice an idea at a meeting—
A man or woman speaks the exact words I thought.
I inwardly complain of the taste of the water—
Lemons are offered to us all for our water bottles.
I am tired of walking, my feet ache—
I am offered a job in camp for the day.
I need a boost for my spirit—
A young girl gives me a crystal.
I am tired of the dark and cold—
The sky is pink and gold at sunrise.
I am unsure of myself—
God speaks clearly to me.
Each Moment—Each Day
Miracles!
With Love
Be
As A Child
Be as a child and you shall see God.
Dance and sing in praise of Life.
Join your spirits in joy—you can fly.
Laughter is the Power of Life.
The spectre of your fear will
Disappear in the face of the sun.
Feel your heart, it will light the way.
Be one with the growing things of earth
You will have peace.
Love one another as best you can.
Nothing is as important as we think it is.
Honesty
A working definition
If you should meet a fella who
does not mind bustin’ pants,
I’ll betcha that he’s honest, too,
so give the guy a chance.
I’ve seen lots of people who,
while sitting on their duff,
talk about their honesty
and all that other stuff.
Such words mean little to me, though,
these folks don’t understand
that honesty and workin’ hard
go always hand-in-hand
Stone in the Water
Drop a stone into the water—
In a moment it is gone,
But there are a hundred
Ripples circling on and on.
Say an unkind word this moment—
In a moment it is gone,
But there are a hundred ripples
Circling on and on.
Say a word of cheer and splendor
In a moment it is gone,
But there are a hundred ripples
Circling on and on.
Gentle March
This is a gentle march
No lug soles to trample the earth
This is an angry march
We step on one another.
This is a clean march.
We pick up our litter.
This is a dirty march.
We litter our lives with distrust.
We have a community
And we care for one another.
We have disunity
And we have ostracized our friends.
Each day I reach out and grab onto someone
here whose heart and mind call to me.
Each day I reach out and clutch the air, the
space once occupied by a potential teacher.
I rejoice in the human richness around me.
I mourn the lost opportunities.
To those here I say: Stay. Teach and learn with us,
grow and love with us, argue and rage at us, but stay.
To those who have left I say: Go into the world,
grow and love with us in mind and know that
though we argued and raged at you, you are
deeply, deeply missed.
3-25-86 Libya Day
I Reagan will speak
And we the people will answer.
Reagan will ask the people of America for war.
And we the people of Peace City will answer no.
Reagan will speak to the people of America
And we the people will answer to our Congressmen.
Reagan will ask, like a fool, once more
But only Congress can make a war.
II It used to be my friends.
Now it’s my friends and their children.
This madman, this madness
Will return us to the days of death.
All day long
I have not been able to breathe.
And now,
The sound of an airplane panics my body.
I am here in Peace City
My brothers and sisters, my children
Are spread across the Mediterranean
And far from my arms.
Oh god
Whom we call upon in times so bleak
Guard us and our children
From madmen’s mad dreams.
Peacewalker
1986 is here
Now is the time, this is the year
To spread the beautiful message of Peace
To friends in the world, many hearts I hope to reach.
As I travel the roads
And visit the towns
Across this great nation
A cry of unity sounds
among
The mountains so majestic
Throughout the oceans that roar
Within the redwoods is our history
And flying high an eagle gracefully soars
hoping and watching.
1986 is here.
Now is the time, this is the year
To spread the beautiful message of Peace
To friends in the world, many hearts I hope to reach.
Children are growing
Each new day is more fun
Brothers and sisters are loving
Sharing the warmth of the sun
realizing that
1986 is here.
Now is the time, this is the year
To spread the beautiful message of Peace
To friends in the world, many hearts I hope to reach.
Open Letter
I’m no longer assured that I’m making a worthwhile contribution to the march effort. I’m frustrated, but not overwhelmed by events. Rather, this need to know things, via ASL, can be compromised to some degree.
I am proud to be deaf. Once I was angry to be so, but that anger has been tempered over time with the knowledge that my inability to hear is a nuisance ® something that is inconvenient at the wrong times. I sit in my tent and see fellow marchers giving announcements over the microphones. When I signal for them to tell me what they just said, most are aware of my deafness and the response is usually forthcoming. How to express the gratitude that they made the effort, but also the realization that I understood not one thing they said? Every day there is a new face to lipread, to try to comprehend and to be frustrated by. I’ve come close to actively desiring to “throw in the towel” because of this frustration.
However, each day brings a new challenge. I’m not afraid to face new challenges. I’m only afraid that I can’t understand the point of the challenge. I need to understand and comprehend in order to face one. Not understanding a challenge and wanting so much to comprehend it so hard, only to be frustrated time and time again, leads me to fear for my ability to contribute to the march.
I must understand what is being said to be of any help. But I will not become dependent upon another just to fulfill this inability to comprehend. I’m not on the march to be “extra baggage.” I’m walking to help the cause. However pen and paper can be helpful, but is awkward and time consuming. Why should I be responsible for the communication channels when I don’t control the situation? I speak yes, I don’t hear. That is my inability. Why in this single inability must I feel the need to be responsible about pen and paper? You who hear control the communication channels, not I. Therefore, you be responsible for pen and paper as you choose.
Do come to me when you want the sign for a word. This I can share because in this way I hold the communication channels. In this way I will be responsible and be of a help to the peace community. I am on the Great Peace March to communicate to the best of my ability. This is what my life is about: learning how to communicate and to do it well. With communication comes understanding. And with understanding I can and I will be a part of Peace City. This is where my home and my people are. My goal is to walk across this nation in the name of global nuclear disarmament.
Song I
This is my birthday song
I sing to you from a tent
I am firm and I am strong
And I will not relent.
I sing to you of peace
All people living free
Above my head a cloud of fear
That wants to rain on me.
No nuclear war
Will shorten my days
No air raid drills
Scar my children’s ways.
I will live for life
And you must come
I will bear the strife
We’ll live free as one.
Song II
When life is a love song
We all will live free
When peace is our life’s work
What joy work will be.
It can happen now
It can happen here
We can live for life
And abolish fear.
When war is no option
When weapons are gone
Then all men as brothers
Will sing life’s love song.
It can happen now
It can happen here.
We can live for life
And abolish fear.
Song
III
A bell is for music
Not to signal fear
Peace is forever
Not some UN Year.
And now we walk
So you may rest
And now we talk
The truth to test.
Force is for killing
So we must kill the force
But we must be willing
To firmly stay the course.
Come with us to a homeland
A homeland built for peace
There we’ll take a firm stand
That war machines will cease.
Song IV
It is time to come together
It is time to reach for stars
It is time to stop the weapons
It is time to stop the wars.
But how—not I
Just me—and why
Because all men are brothers
Because the earth’s our home
Because the dream of mothers
Is to see their children grown.
But who—not me
I can’t—you see
You can if you but try it
You can if you believe
You can, you can’t deny it
You can, or you can grieve
For kids—who cry
For life—that’s why.
Why Do We March?
We March from March thru November
To rekindle the spirit of 1776 in 1986
We march from L.A. across the U.S.A. to D.C.
Thru Death Valley and over the continental divide
To unite our nation for life and peace.
Why Do We March?
We march for those who marched and died
In W. W. I and W. W. II believing in a just cause
And war to end all wars.
We march for those who died in Korea and Vietnam
And for those still dying in on-going wars.
Why Do We March?
We march for all those who have died
In all wars since time immemorial.
We march to fulfill the unfulfilled dreams
Of Samantha Smith that all children
Should grow up in a world of love and peace.
Why Do We March?
We march to influence the leaders of all nations
So that none commits another “March of Folly”
We march as members of one human family
Inspired by the noblest goal of humankind:
The elimination of all wars, our world at peace.
Sunset Fire Prayer –
Barstow
Sometimes we gather
In wind and rain
Sometimes we gather
In sun and stillness.
Help us to keep walking together
Even when we must be still.
We Come to Washington
We come to Washington
Silence felt in a golden heart
Our strength
The winds of courage
gusting through the bowing trees
People follow where we go
Hmmmmm gentle subtleties
whistling wind
through the trees.
I Hope This Peace March
I hope this Peace March is gonna make a big difference on this Earth.
I hope the Earth feels better. Peace means no War.
It means no “W”’s on the flags.
A Song About Children
The sun is coming up this morning on a new day
Do I hear the children singing in a new way?
Are there really roses blooming in a valley by the water?
Do the children see the valley on the other side?
See the children building castles in the new sand
(and) see them walking on the water in a new land
Long ago the seeds were planted where the children build their castles
Will they lead us ‘cross the river to the other side?
See the castles by the water on the other side
(and) see them dancing in their courtyards no more tears to hide
and the seeds have always been there where the tiny footprints lead us
to a City in the valley, on the other side
And when you hear the voice inside you— children praying
The children listen to each other —see them playing
Will they answer all our questions? Do the answers really matter?
Will they lead us ‘cross the river to a new day?
Hey Jer
1.27.2000
(Read by Timothy L. Trujillo at
Jerry Connor’s Memorial Service)
Hey Jer
Sweet Jer
Brother of my soul
teacher of miracles and magic
perched upon
stones in sweeping sands
two solitaires
say its OK
when stranded or lagging
you always came through
better than the Samaritan
forgiving offense
large and small
rather kick with cold beer
or short
or medium
or long walk
you remain
My Hero
And so I say
farewell for now
next stop Thanatopsis
Paradise, Nirvana, Valhalla
And I’ve been told
Elysian Fields are green this time of year
fragrant with flower and herb
Yesterday in my garden
I watched a butterfly emerge
from its aged chrysalis
this obscure wonder
revealed multicolored wings
unfolding expanding
until at once with flicker of light
they carried my newborn friend alight
soar like so dear Jer
and carry that part of me
that is forever you
to greater heights
Namaste
Salom
timo
I Can Get There From Here
From where I sit destinations abound
places that dreams are made of
but inside my head, I keep losing ground
with all of the ways that I avoid love
chorus:
But I can get there from here
I can get there from here
If I can get to the front door
I can get there from here...
Kicking myself for the time I waste
cursing these rocks in my way
But with tolerant hope and a gambler's good grace
they become stepping stones leading my way
chorus:
I can get there from here
I can get there from here
If I can get to the corner
I can get there from here
(BRIDGE)
I've got a worn-out soul
and good shoe leather
Time will take its toll
but the road gets better
Everyday people all over the earth
Cover impossible miles
And in their footsteps I see my own worth
With a dream and will to survive
I can get there from here
I can get there from here
If I can get to the next town
I can get there from here
I can get there from here
I can get there from here
though the borders be closed down...
We'll turn the whole world upside down...
Cause if we get to the next town...
We can get there from here